Dedicated to my first and only love, Meg.

By Moses D. Yoder

Edited by Meg Yoder and Delilah Mears

3420 words, a 17 minute read.

        The idea for this article, really just a gathering of suggestions, came from one of my favorite songs, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXmLRHnoSAs , from the movie “The Little Mermaid”. I love to sit in my recliner and listen to my daughter Miranda play the song on our piano, which is what inspired me to write this.

This is written by a man who is old enough to have some experience. I would appreciate any women who read it to do so with a critical eye and let me know what I am lacking. Also if you are a girl and find a guy you are interested in you could apply this to yourself and ask him out. This is written from a man’s perspective for the male of the species but in reality could be applied just as well to the female. What you are about to read is a collection of suggestions on how to ask a girl out and what to do to prepare for and date a girl. I sent a number of questions to various ladies I know and received answers from three of them. The information provided by these three ladies is invaluable and I wish I had it when I began dating. 

        I assume you are old enough to realize girls don’t really have cooties. In the late teens boys normally start noticing girls, maybe getting a job and a car so they have some independence and are able to take a girl out somewhere. Perhaps you are older, rejected a time or two, and not so sure of yourself. The advantage of being older is you know yourself better and have a better idea what you want in a woman. As you get older you realize the way a woman looks on the outside is not really a measure of her character. Some women have inner beauty, and some don’t. You need to get to know a woman before you can determine her character. The goal is to grow old together and share your lives with each other; to do this you have to mesh together emotionally. The goal of courtship is to determine whether the two of you are right for each other.

        I believe the first thing to do when looking for a mate is to talk to God about it. He will help guide you and put you into situations where you will find a lifelong partner. Without God’s help disaster will usually strike sooner or later. Sometimes things happen even when it is a match made in heaven but still I think we are better off when God guides us. One thing here that I think is important is that the two of you have similar spiritual values; they do not need to be the same but they should be similar. The other thing I believe is important is that you look for a partner for the purpose of marrying her and being faithful to her. Using girls for a while and then discarding them leads to a certain kind of loneliness, a feeling of emptiness. The Bible talks about one man being mated to one woman for life, and that is a good way to have a fulfilled life. You will find most women are looking for one man who will love them and be faithful to them and be a good father for their children. 

        When looking for a woman you need to watch how she interacts with other people and yourself. It comes down to this though; nobody can tell you who is the right woman for you. Different men like different women. One thing you can count on; if you are realistic there is a woman who will be right for you. I don’t believe there is only one right person for you; I think there might be one out of every hundred that you can be happy with the rest of your life. Let’s say you are looking around and you find one you think you would like; now you have to ask her out on a date to get to know her better.

        Women can read body language and they can guess your intentions but the truth is they do not know what you think unless you communicate with them in some manner. You might love a woman your whole life and if you don’t let her know in some way then she will never know. It is best to be direct. One thing to do before asking a girl out is to make general plans for an evening; when it will be and what you will do. The last thing you want to do is ask a girl on a date and then if she agrees say “So, what do you want to do?” Instead you should say “I thought you might like to” and then state your plan for the evening and arrange a time and day to go out. Something to keep in mind for a first date is to keep it short and simple then if you don’t feel attracted to each other you will not have a long drawn out awkward evening. It might be best just to ask her out for coffee if she drinks coffee or maybe a drink somewhere. On the first date you should get to know what her likes are, her favorite restaurants and things to do so that you can go and do those on later dates. You should also do things that you enjoy doing sometimes so she gets to know your likes. It is important first of all to know yourself and then work on getting to know her. When you ask a girl out there are various ways to ask but they need to be direct. A young man I know noticed a girl that worked in the same place he did and was interested in dating her. She was a cashier in the store they worked at. One day he decided to ask her out so on a piece of notepaper he simply wrote “Dinner sometime?” and on the back of the paper he put his phone number. He picked out some stuff to purchase in the store and went through her line and when he was done paying he handed her the note with his number on the back and left. This is an ideal situation. His intentions are pretty clear and yet no one is threatened; it is up to her to simply call the number if she is interested. Another thing that works good is to simply talk to her and ask her. You can get creative but whatever method you choose should match your character, or be something that would be normal for you to do. The idea is that she gets to know what kind of man you are. If she agrees to a date, then you should also ask if she wants you to pick her up or if she will meet you there. A smart girl does not let you know where she lives until she is comfortable with you. If she wants you to pick her up then get an address and use your computer to find her house. Now she has agreed to a date, where the date will be, and whether you pick her up or she meets you there.

        The day arrives, you have set a date for tonight and are about to get ready for it. As you get dressed there are four things to pay attention to. Prior to these four things I assume that you shaved and showered, trimmed your nails, put on deodorant and cologne, brushed your teeth, and made sure your nose was clean. Now of primary importance is your shoes. Most women notice shoes. A pair of shoes that fits with the rest of your outfit and your character is a necessity. There is also the fact that your clothes must be clean. If you stop on the way and help someone change a flat tire and get your pants dirty, that is acceptable. All other excuses are probably unacceptable. Third, your clothes should match the activity you have planned for the date. Do not wear a three piece suit to take her out to McDonalds. Wear appropriate clean clothing that fits your activities for the evening. Fourth, your clothing should match your income. If you work at McDonalds and are wearing a $1000 suit, you aren’t fooling anyone. If you can afford a $1000 suite and instead wear cheap off brand jeans because you are a cheapskate that is just as much of a turnoff. For a typical date a clean pair of Levi’s jeans, a nice button down shirt and good clean tennis shoes or leather Skechers will do. Oh, I forgot; always wear clean underwear. A couple notes on socks. If you wear shorts either wear short socks or don’t wear socks; do not wear socks up to your knees with shorts. You will look like the girls dad and she will be instantly turned off. Ideally if the date is informal enough to wear shorts then you would wear nice sandals or flip flops (no socks). Another note on socks, if you are wearing dark pants and dark shoes never wear white socks; wear socks to match. If you have hair make sure it looks good and matches your style.

        Next we will focus on the car for a little bit. Of utmost importance is the fact that you are an intelligent driver, which means you aren’t reckless. If you are a reckless driver and put her in danger it will most likely be your last date. Remember we are talking about sensible girls that are worth marrying. The car again should fit your income. Overspending on a car makes the girl think the car will be more important than she is. You should have the best car you can afford. A girl will already know if you don’t have a lot of money and driving a flashy car to show off makes you look shallow. The car does need to be two things. It needs to be clean, which you can do yourself. Picking up a girl for your first date in a messy car will very quickly make a bad impression. The car also needs to be dependable. It is no good if the car breaks down and leaves you stranded while out with a girl. It is also best if the car is paid for and you do not owe some large amount of money for it. Now just for an example, a country girl will most likely be a sucker for a nice older Camaro or TransAm that has been restored, perhaps by yourself. Last, it makes a good impression if you open the door for her then shut it once she is in the car without making a big deal of it.

        Now where are we going? Before asking her out you should have some idea. For the first date simpler is better. Come up with a couple different plans then ask her about your first choice plan and if she does not like the sound of it ask her about your second choice. Try to be creative, but when you come up with a plan always ask your date if she approves before proceeding with the plan. As you get to know her better you will be able to plan things together that are fun for both of you. Keep the real goal in mind; getting to know each other.

        For a little while now we have been talking about the visual things that you use to make sure a woman is not turned off by you. The way you dress, your car, and where you take her are all important but they are not what really matters. What the girl is really looking for is someone she can connect with emotionally. I will call this the emotional relationship. You will find that you either connect emotionally or not depending on your characters. Sometimes opposites connect and sometimes people who are similar connect. The only way to find out whether you connect is to spend time together talking. It is very important to listen to what she says and ask questions to explore further what she is saying. Notice her mood and respond to it. If a girl feels comfortable with you and is starting to feel that connection normally she will be leaning toward you a bit, smiling, and perhaps touch you on the arm. If she is leaning back with her arms crossed and seems to be physically pulling away from you that would be a note to cut the evening short politely and don’t bother her again. If you listen and talk and find you have a connection your emotional relationship will progress just fine.

        From there we will go to what I call the physical relationship. I call any touching such as holding hands or kissing part of the physical relationship. How long before you hold hands? Most women judge a man fairly quickly and know on the first date whether they are interested in getting to know the man better or not. If you find yourself naturally with your hand close to hers and feel that you have a connection with her it is okay to put your hand on hers and see what the reaction is. If she feels a connection with you she will let you hold her hand; if she pulls away then it is not okay to keep trying again right away. In fact, before trying again after a date or two you should ask her before touching her hand. It is very important that you are looking for a life long mate and not just a momentary conquest. The same goes for kissing; the woman will know very quickly whether she will let you kiss her but before she does you need to establish an emotional connection. Once she feels connected to you and the moment is right she will share a kiss with you. Once you think the moment is right look her directly in the eyes and ask her gently “May I kiss you?” and beforehand make sure your nose is clean, take care of your lips so they aren’t chapped, and brush your teeth so you don’t have bad breath and keep your tongue in your own mouth and no sloppy kisses; don’t lick your lips before the kiss. To make a good kiss better put one arm around her, maybe caress her back, maybe a gentle touch on her cheek with the other hand, kiss her gently on the lips and when you feel her start pulling back release her.

        Note that holding hands and kissing are not invitations to go further than that. A woman might feel connected to you but that doesn’t mean she wants to go to bed with you. She is probably hoping that you will be a good husband for her. I will talk about the sexual relationship for just a little bit. I believe it is better to wait until after marriage for several reasons. One is that if the first time you are in bed together is on your wedding day it makes the wedding day very special. Another reason, for the girls, is that most guys will lose respect for a girl once they have bedded her and will leave. This leaves the possibility of a baby on the way and the father out of the picture, which is not the best situation. I know a number of single mothers and admire them but I know their task isn't easy. Another reason is that most women will respect a man who is willing to wait until after the wedding, making the marriage that much better afterward. So much for that.

        Now where are we going? You are looking for a mate to marry, someone who will be a companion for life; so is the girl you are dating. What are women looking for in the man they hope to love for life? First of all is financial stability. The younger a man is the less he earns generally and his wages increase until at some point he starts earning less as he gets older. A woman is looking for someone who makes a reasonable wage and is eager to improve his lot to eventually earn more money. This is not greed, it is simply the desire to live at a reasonable level. A good woman is looking for a man that is a steady hard worker.  The next thing a woman is looking for is a father for her children. A good man likes children and doesn’t consider them to be an inconvenience. There are many books on being a good father; I suggest you pick one and read it. Next a woman is looking for a gentleman. You should naturally hold the door for her and others, help ladies with heavy packages, and use the words please and thank you frequently. A good woman is also looking for a man who will accept her the way she is without criticizing her and attempting to change her. This is very important I think to you as well, so you should give her the same courtesy. It is also important that a man has a sense of clean humor and knows how to have good clean fun. In today’s world most women are also looking for a man that can cook, or is willing to learn how to cook, and then cleans up afterwards (very important). Doing part of the housework after marriage is a big plus and will be appreciated.

        What does she see in men she doesn’t like? A cowardly man is often a bully to those who are weaker than he is and especially towards ladies. He will use both physical and verbal abuse along with constantly criticizing people including his partner. Most women will spot this type right away and avoid him like the plague. Next we have the cheater and the man who constantly stares at other women or tries to look down their blouse; this should not have to be mentioned as about the worst thing you can do to a woman. Then we have the liar; sooner or later you will be found out and dumped. Now we have the real winner; he is not physically abusive but instead is egotistical. Women like confident men but the ego man goes beyond confident to cocky, a not so fine line. The ego man is self absorbed, knows everything, and is a loud mouth. He is also arrogant but most of all he is selfish. Another thing to look at as bad is all of these traits taken individually. Then we have the man with no backbone. He won’t stand for what he believes in a conversation and won’t take a stand for his loved ones either; women are looking for a knight in shining armor and this spineless man is a big turnoff. Now we have the slob. He dresses sloppily and has a sloppy attitude towards life. You need to pay attention to the details and learn to appreciate the finer points. This man is also lazy, a big turnoff. We also have the man who doesn’t know his own feelings. Feelings are very important to women and if you can’t see how you feel how will you ever see how she is feeling? There is also the man who promises something and never gets it done. It is best to promise little things and then make sure you follow through with them. The woman is looking for a husband and later on this lack of keeping promises will transfer into not getting things done around the house, another big turnoff for her causing strain on the relationship. And a minor thing that is major for a lot of women is talking when you have food in your mouth and eating loud (chomping and slurping, chewing with mouth open). We will leave it at that for now.

        Now we have explored dating, what women would like to see in their future husband, and what turns women off. It’s time to get your stuff together and go out and ask the woman of your dreams whether she would like to get to know you better.